I can't stop crying.. I can't stop hurting. and for what? I have no idea.. I just laying in bed and listening to music and my heart just started to feel like it was breaking.. Crumbling inside me... Like a stone being eroded. Slow. But beautiful at the same time. Maybe to give me a new heart... Maybe i will wake up tomorrow with a whole new heart. A beautiful one. A fixed one.. Never mind, that is impossible..

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Since when did it become okay for people to be so cruel in this world? Why does the wrong in this world shine brighter than the good? The beautiful. The strong. The ones who want to see change... No one sees them. It hurts to know that this world is destroying itself before my eyes. I may not have lived long but I have seen things become worse.. God, my heart hurts... I want to change the world but I am weak and have too many problems of my own that I can't even seem to overcome.
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I wish I could be happy again... Like today, I went to my ex's house. For no reason other than I missed her. And I wanted to kiss her and tell her I loved her. But I always push her away.. I barely even hugged her. Barely even looked at her. I wanted to cry right there and then... But I don't let anyone see me cry. Why the fuck am I crying?! FUCK!. I miss my girlfriend.. But.. this new girl came into m life and yeah, she's nice and said she wants to show me off to the world. Which feels.. REALLY GOOD. Shows that I mean a lot to her. And i am not leading her on, I told her i still love Amber.. And she said "okay, i will keep my feelings hidden for you and our friendship." Sometimes I notice her staring at my lips or she will try to hug me longer than what I am comfortable with, but I mean.. I don't know. She's my friend so. I told her I still love Amber. It's set and stone.I wonder if Amber is laying in bed right now and thinking of me..? Or on her couch. I wonder if she wants me back. But what if I make the same mistake again and push her even further away. I can't help it. I push people away.. She wouldn't ever want to take me back. Hm, If you wanna help me out with this, please do. I'm so gay.
lol. Literally.

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Today.. FIRST day in my english class. i have this rainbow bag/satchel/ thing.. And the guy next to me looked at me, looked at it and scoffed. He said "Pft nice bag." I said thanks because I wanted him to just leave me alone. Fuckin hick. Then he continued on to say "you gay?" I replied with a yes. I have no shame. I love the women. He said, "Fuckin nasty. You are gross you know that?." I said 'dude that thing between your legs is gross... Oh, if there is even anything there. Probably not." Then yeah.. this scene chick next to me was glaring at him and said "I'm lesbian. Wanna mess with me, asshole?" Then the professor walked in.. I was so mad. and sad. I don't know what I felt.. Not ashamed but not proud.. So.. Neutral. But I felt something.. I wonder why he even talked to me. Er, Insulted me. He doesn't know me. It's just because I'm gay? It made no sense to me. I hate that closed minded shit.. It hurts even when you don't think it would..


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I wonder if anyone would notice if I cut.. No one notices that i'm loosing weight. Besides my ex girlfriend.. But a cut. A few. Here and there. On my thighs, No one would see. On my wrist, it is winter. i wear my long sleeves. Would anyone even care? If they saw, would they even want to be my friend? If they touched it, would they feel the pain beneath their fingers? If I cried, would they hold me? If I cut too deep, would they help me? ha.. Who is they? My family? NO. My brother maybe.. If he wasn't so drugged up all the time. My friends? They don't talk to me anymore since we are in college and one is pregnant. My professors? They will remain strange strangers. My cousin? She wouldn't dare ask. Shouldn't this be fun.. A few cuts to ease the pain. Oh! i almost forgot how good it felt.. The silver blade. I need it.. Ha, no I don't. I gotta be strong. But wait, I am weak, aren't I? hm...Maybe i'll get away with it. NO. Fuck, I'm so fucked. I'm so fucked up in the head. I will get through this...


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I guess I will sleep now.. Or try. After I stop crying... Goodnight. And to anyone reading this, Forgive me for being so outspoken, sad, and stupid. Tomorrow is another day. i will get through it somehow..
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